A Wall of Rocks around my Heart
By Sophia Kramer
Certified Life Between Lives® Facilitator, USA/Germany/Spain
Ruthie, an attractive brunette woman in her late 40´s looks at me, her dark brown eyes filled with deep sadness. She is seeking solace for her overwhelming loneliness which has been exacerbated by the recent loss of her beloved only brother, following the passing of her mother some years ago. Ruthie confesses to me that she never had a sense of belonging and often felt like an outsider. Her grief has intensified those feelings and isolated her even more. Her voice drops to a whisper as she shares her shame about her addictions, a desperate attempt to cope with her overwhelming loneliness and grief.
“I am just muddling through life. I completely lost myself. My mother, with whom I had an estranged relationship, died about five years ago. And I lost my beloved brother Aaron two years ago. I know that our bodies are just like a suit or a costume, but I am longing for their physical presence.”
Ruthie smiles a bit telling me of her husband´s unwavering support. He gifted her books on reincarnation and death and dying. However, despite his efforts, her mind is in a constant state of turmoil making life chaotic, which is a frustrating reality for her.
As our conversation unfolds, Ruthie begins to share details about her childhood. Her only brother Aaron was sickly all during their childhood. He was two years younger than Ruthie. After him, his mother was not able to bear more children.
In spite of Aaron´s weakness, he had an incredible charisma. His remarkable life took a poignant turn when he became a rabbi, dedicating himself to his faith and community for seven years. Tragically, his illness took over, claiming his life just after his forty-sixth birthday.
“I always felt like I am a failure because I wasn’t able to save him. I loved him so much. He was my person.” Ruthie´s voice cracks.
“I felt like a lost soul all my life. Even though I am married with three sons, I feel displaced here and have the sense as if I do not fit in. I do not have a place in my community, and I do not fit in with any kind of circle. I am trying to overcome this by taking tranquilizers and by drinking too much. When I drink some glasses of wine, I feel a bit more comfortable with other people. Otherwise, I am shy and awkward in a group of people. I am ashamed because I have an addictive personality. But I am so afraid of being alone. Especially since Aaron´s death, I feel alone. Often it is hard for me to function.”
Starting the session with some deep breathing and grounding exercises, I’m asking Ruthie to get in touch with her mind. Her mind feels chaotic, and she is frustrated. “I feel like my mind is torturing me.”
I gently guide Ruthie´s mind to revisit a serene destination she had once explored on a vacation. It is a club called The Cave on an island in the Mediterranean Sea.
She imagines herself wearing a sound cancellation headset for silent disco. Any distractions are blocked out allowing her to sink deeper into her relaxation.
Ruthie smiles gently: “Now my mind is quiet and relaxed.”
I´m asking Ruthie to get in touch with her heart center.
“My heart feels heavy and closed. It feels like I have a wall of rocks around my heart.”
Ruthie shares with me that she closed her heart in order to protect her feelings. With compassion and care I am guiding Ruthie to gently connect with her heart. I am encouraging her to tune into her feelings, allowing herself to explore. Ruthie´s emotions rise to the surface and tears begin to flow. “I tried not to cry about Aaron and my mom anymore, because my family is judging me for still being so sad.” We take a gentle pause to validate the depth of her sadness.
As we continue the process, Ruthie explores the time in the womb of her mother. Ruthie´s inner world comes to a profound conclusion. Her mother is not happy to be pregnant. “She is so young, and she is terrified. She doesn’t feel that she is able to be a mother.”
I am asking her: “So what is your response when you feel your mom being terrified?”
“I’m trying to help her! I am trying to reach out to her and sending her vibrations of comfort. But she doesn’t seem to feel me. It makes me upset, and I am feeling like a failure. I feel like she doesn’t care and doesn’t want me.” As we gently explore Ruthie´s early development, we can see that Ruthie is already taking on too much responsibility.
I ask her: “Taking on too much responsibility, how does that play out in your life today, Ruthie?”
“I feel very guilty. I have not done enough. And I feel rejected and alone. My mind is constantly active trying to figure out what I should do. I can only calm my mind when I have some tranquilizers or some alcohol.”
Exploring another moment in the womb her consciousness begins to observe herself from a non-physical observation place outside of the womb.
Ruthie´s voice fills with wonder: “There is another being with me! A long male figure in a white flowy rope with beautiful long hands and dark hair. He embraces me. And he says: believe me, we are working together on this life.”
I softly inquire: “Please clarify who this being is.”
“He tells me that he is my guide. I can call him by the name of Hadih. I am asking him: Hadih why did you pick me to be your student? Hadih is responding to me: Because I felt that you need me. Go into your heart.”
I am guiding Ruthie to focus inward and to feel into her heart. I support and encourage her to open it. She feels that her heart is still closed up and that her mind finds everything slightly silly.
I tell her: “Your mind is somewhat limited and doesn’t get this, because it’s human. And your mind is like a child. You need to educate your mind and your belief system that you created a long time ago. You formed blocks which are playing out in your life today. Remember that your soul is here to learn.”
Ruthie takes a deep breath.
I continue with a soothing reminder: “And remind your mind to go to the cave and put on the sound cancellation headset once again. Tell your mind that it can relax meanwhile your soul continues to explore your inner wisdom.
As the mind softens its grip Ruthie can feel into her heart. Her face relaxes and she states with emotion: “My heart feels like a closed fist beginning to open up. I feel the tension and pain softening, allowing my heart to soften.”
Hadih continues taking her hand: “We are here planning your incarnation as Ruthie. I want you to open up to your own vibration. And to know that this coming life as Ruthie has a deep purpose for your soul’s progress!”
Hadih takes her by the hand and they’re both floating up into the spirit realm. Ruthie’s soul is soaring through the realms accompanied by her trusted Hadih.
As she experiences flying, she exclaims: “I am feeling so free”. Her face is beaming with joy.
Up at the gateway into the spirit world, Hadih stops. “I am going to open the gate for you now.”
With a majestic gesture Hadih opens a beautiful golden gate, adorned with symbols and patterns that shimmer in the light. Ruthie describes this in great detail with lots of emotions. “Here are a lot of light beings waiting for me. They are making gestures of a warm and welcoming nature. They are smiling warmly and giving me the feeling of being welcomed.”
Ruthie’s soul is taken to a beautiful garden. Hadih is escorting her to this garden of healing, which she describes with great detail. “It’s this incredible light here, all flowers and the grass are sparkling like stars. I don’t only feel it, I see it and I am feeling the healing vibrations of this heavenly healing place. In the middle there is a waterfall.”
She continues with another tone in her voice: “Through the mist coming of the waterfall I am starting to notice another being coming towards me.” Now Ruthie starts to sob. “It is my brother! It is Aaron, clearly him even though he looks somewhat different, more radiant, very transparent and I do not even know how to describe it, angelic comes close to it.
Aaron says to me: “We are a vibration of light. My dear sister. I am not gone. I am constantly around you. You are NOT alone! I know that you are placing the yellow gerbera next to my photo in remembrance of me. Often you feel me but you dismiss it.”
Aaron opens his arms wide, and envelops Ruthie´s soul in a warm and loving embrace. Walking through the healing garden, Aaron and Ruthie are now sitting down on a bench. Ruthie´s guide Hadih is observing everything from a distance.
“I am feeling my guide´s supportive energy. And I am having this precious, reconnecting time with my brother.” Ruthie sighs with a mix of joy, love and longing.
“The longer we are with each other the more I am realising that we are energy and not form. We are more like radiant tall lights. Shimmering in blue and purple and golden light sparkles.”
Aaron says to her: “We have been together often. In this current life we are brother and sister. But we had other roles before. It is important for you to start creating your own life and pursuing your own dreams. You always prioritise others and their needs. You were not able to save me, because you were not supposed to save me! This was my choice and my soul’s best interest. I needed to learn to accept the limitations of a physical body. Even though I was a spiritual man and religious teacher, with a strong belief and a firm mind, my body could not heal. It was my own choice and learning.
I had to learn that I have limitations in a physical body. I had to learn to surrender to these limitations. And I had to learn and understand that my spirit was not limited and wounded. Actually, it was the opposite, my spirit became stronger and stronger through these limitations or actually because of these limitations!
We chose this life so that we both can learn. You did the best job of being the best sister I could have ever had!”
They lovingly gaze at each other. Ruthie’s face is glowing. The reunion between Ruthie´s soul and her brother fills my heart with joy and compassion.
Aaron and Ruthie are getting up from the bench. With gentle guidance Hadih escorts them to another place. It’s a beautiful, serene realm with tranquil energy. “It’s time to meet some more of your soul friends”, Hadih is stating. Ruthie is becoming aware of a group of beings. They all have this long, tall form shimmering in the most incredible blue and golden and purple colours. Hadih places Ruthie into the center of the group. Hadih is smiling at her and then moving backwards between the other beings into the circle surrounding her.
I am asking Hadih if Ruthie can explore her spiritual name. He answers: “Before you talk to some of your soul family members, I’d like you to know that you have a spiritual vibrational name by which we call you here.”
Ruthi slowly whispers: “Hadih tells me: your name is Shanue. It means the sound of a soft breeze before a rainstorm. Feel it and hear it, and you will know that you are loved and connected.”
Ruthie looks deeply touched. “I feel so calm and good to be here. I feel all my anxiety to have my place somewhere is replaced with a deep sense of belonging.”
Shanue is now standing in the middle of the group with her soul companions. There are about eight of them. Some are bigger, some smaller, some brighter than others.
She says: “I feel their energy expanding towards me. I am radiating my own energy out to them. I can make my energy grow and expand. They are telepathically telling me that it is good for me to expand my energy, not just here, but also in my human form.”
Ruthie continues looking very moved.
“Even though we are not touching each other, our energy is enveloping into each other. It feels like a big group hug and exchange of love, compassion, understanding and togetherness. Here I feel such a deep sense of belonging! I feel that I am not alone!! I understand that we actually are always connected!”
At this point a soul is coming towards Shanue/Ruthie. It is her grandfather. He is telling her that she can always stay connected. That he is always here for her.
Then he goes back into the circle and another soul is coming towards her. Ruthie becomes emotional.
“This is my mother. She tells me that she is so sorry that she felt so overwhelmed when she was expecting me and also when I was a small child. She says I should not feel responsible for her and especially not for my brother’s life and passing. Everything is mapped out and there is a big plan for every soul. I have to follow my own plan.”
Then everyone gently moves back into forming the circle again. The space is filled once again with their warmth and love of their interconnectedness. “I am never alone! I can always remember that I am connected and ONE with them! In my grief and guilt, I forgot that I can always be connected. My mind plays tricks on me and keeps me preoccupied. But when I become quieter, I remember this unity and connection.”
I am giving her time and am holding a supportive space for Ruthie to process her emotions. Feeling alone and sad is such a big issue in her life. This moment is a big shift for her, and I carefully watch for the integration of this experience to be truly seen and understood.
I encourage her: “Take a moment to get in touch with your guide Hadih again. And ask him what the next step for you to take is?”
Ruthie´s/Shanue´s guide Hadih comes closer.
“Hadih is making a gesture and telepathically telling me to follow him. We are floating up. and I feel like I am becoming lighter and lighter. We are stopping in front of a big building with large doors. It is a building which is quivering with energy. It’s not a solid building. The doors are opening. and Hadih smiles at me making this grand gesture from me to enter. I feel very moved.”
But now Ruthie is experiencing a moment of hesitation. She seems uncertain about what to do.
“Continue to explore and really trust what unfolds.” I encourage her to move forward.
She says: “It is a large open space.” She pauses again.
I continue to reassure her: “Take your time. Deeply breathe into this sacred space. You can trust and allow yourself to fully explore the insights that arise. Trust and go deeper into this holy space.”
Shanue is entering into the space. “I am stepping into soft, ethereal light. It is so peaceful here. I am noticing nine beings who are waiting for me with a welcoming energy.”
Shanue is standing in front of her council of loving, luminous beings, with Hadih standing by her side. This is a gathering of her wise, loving and radiant elders who, I am sure of it, will offer her guidance and support and most of all, unconditional love. They sense her distress, her feelings of loneliness and disconnection.
Shanue says: “Now it feels like my entire body is quivering. I cannot really see their faces, but I know that they are looking friendly and some are smiling at me.”
“Why do you feel so alone, dear one?” asks the lead guide, a wise and compassionate being who says to Shanue that his name is Noiro. His entire being radiates love and a profound sense of kindness and compassion.
Shanue is so moved that she can´t answer.
Therefore I respond on her behalf with a few facts from Ruthie´s life: “Shanue, in her life as Ruthie, often feels like she does not belong on Earth. She feels that she is so different from others. She deeply misses her brother. She believes that many people don´t understand her and even though she is trying to connect with others, she lacks connection. It is so isolating and she feels lonely. And numbs her feelings with tranquilizers and alcohol.”
Noiro gazes lovingly at her. “You are not alone, dear one. You are part of a vast, interconnected web of souls. You are all connected with each other. Your uniqueness is a gift into your human experience. I will show you now”.
Noiro begins to weave a vision around her. A vision of the world being a vibrant, pulsing network of energies. Shanue sees how every person, every animal and every creature and element is connected, intertwined, and yet unique, but interdependent.
“You do not have to be lonely, Shanue. You can choose to see the world through the eyes of unity. After this experience you will remember that your brother is not dead. And you can recognise the sparks of Divinity within every being you get in touch with for the rest of your life. It will cultivate more compassion, understanding and humility in you.”
As her council members continue to share their wisdom, she begins to feel a weight lifting from her shoulders. Her energy begins to shift and to connect with the world around her. She realised that loneliness was actually an illusion, a veil that separated her from the truth of the interconnectedness.
“I am part of a larger connectiveness. I will remember that we are all energetically connected. There are no physical boundaries, when I remember that we are spiritual beings.”
With a sense of renewed hope and deeper belonging, she shows her gratitude towards her council, towards Noiro and her guide Hadih.
With a deep bow she whispers: “I will keep this in my heart. Thank you.”
Noiro offers her a message of hope and empowerment, telling her that healing her addictions is within her reach. He emphasizes the importance of remembering and incorporating the spiritual guidance she receives here today. It is also important to take concrete steps in the physical realm. By further exploring her emotional pain she will no longer feel the need to numb her feelings. But she needs to combine her spiritual awareness and practice with physical support such as therapy, counselling and possibly medical guidance to help her body and mind to navigate the recovery process.
Ruthi is returning fully to her physical body, carrying the beauty of the experience and the wisdom of her guides within her.
We are talking about her experience. The experiences with her mom and brother as well as her soul group will help her to remember that she is not alone and always connected. The guidance from her guide and council is reassuring her of the oneness she can feel if she remembers the connection. They also emphasize a realistic and compassionate acknowledgment that overcoming her addiction is still a journey of commitment and work on herself. Of course, she still will face challenges here in her earthly journey. But now Ruthie really understands that she can connect with her brother’s soul and revisit her guides. And that people and animals and beings here on earth are connected. She can open up to feeling of connection without concern. “After all we are here to learn and have our experience. I will really try to overcome my tendency towards isolating myself and I will reach out to other people. It might be good for me to go into some groups so that I connect more with others. I will explore, maybe sports, maybe meditation groups and definitely groups for addiction support. And I really want to tell others about my experience today, I want to share especially with those who also feel lonely and desperate, that there is help from the other side.”
In closure I say to Ruthie: “Yes, and you can always stay connected with them. You can continue to tap into the guidance and support of your guide Hadih and your council leader Noiro. You can join with your brother’s soul, because now you had this initial experience. You can return to it for reassurance and direction. And by opening your heart you can stay connected with all beings here around you, and to the infinite wisdom of your own soul.” ♥
Sophia Kramer is an LBL Facilitator New York and Florida, USA, Germany, and Spain, and sees clients in-person and online worldwide