When Grief Creates a Wall
By Sophia Kramer
Certified Life Between Lives® Facilitator, USA and Europe
When we lose a loved one, we often feel a deep desire to remain connected and continue communicating with them in some way. Many spiritual traditions suggest that those who have passed over can still reach us, because consciousness, spirit, or energy is not limited by time or the physical form. This limitless essence has been described in many ways, including consciousness, soul, spirit, universal energy, and vibration.
The profound feeling that we are all connected- and, in some sense, are ONE- is often understood because of this perspective. It offers a way of experiencing love and connection as something that extends beyond physical separation and continues to exist across all time and space.
Grief often starts this process of understanding. It has the capacity to shake us to our core, to almost destroy us, to paralyze us and to separate us from ourselves and others. Yet, within grief there is the hidden gift: the potential to lead us to a deeper level of personal growth. It can reveal new dimensions of understanding of life, of love, of consciousness and eternal life. Perspectives we may have never considered and imagined before.
Alec was fifty-nine years old when he came to see me. His daughter, Ali, had died from ovarian cancer at the age of twenty-three. His former wife told him about the books of Dr. Michael Newton, and he found my chapter in “Memories of the Afterlife”. In that I mentioned that I work with people who experienced grief, and it gave him the hope to be able to connect with Ali.
There are losses that shake a person’s world, and then there are losses that seem to shatter it completely. The death of a child belongs in the second category. It challenges everything we believe about life, fairness, and purpose.
When Alec first arrived, he was experiencing deep and profound grief. His love for Ali was immense, but so was his pain.
“Ali was my person. She was the closest one. I have three children and many family members and friends already died. Let´s face it, I am in an age where you lose people. But when Ali was diagnosed with an aggressive form of ovarian cancer, my world stood still. Her journey through the treatments was so difficult to watch. Once we discovered that this was not responding to the treatments, I felt so helpless and sometimes even kind of checked out. I feel so upset about myself. Ali was always a person who was so there for ME. I also was there for her, but somehow, she was such a caretaker. Later towards the end, when she felt weak and sick, we had deep moments which really shook me. She would say, don’t worry dad, I will be fine. She would try to cheer me up, figure that out!”
Alec came to me to communicate with Ali. He hoped to ¨just go down under, go out of body and be reunited with her. “
I have learned through years of regression work, that love can create a bridge to the spirit world, but grief can often first create a wall.
Many people assume that connecting with a loved one in spirit should be easy. They expect that if the soul survives death—and in my experience it does—then communication should happen effortlessly. But like with Alec, grief often surprises us and sends us on a new journey: a journey we never experienced like this before. A journey which causes us to be desperate and ask things of ourselves, which we have never done, never practiced, or never even heard about before our loved one passed.
This is why I want to share this story. I truly know that we CAN connect to the soul, the consciousness, the eternal energy of our loved ones. I witnessed it and assisted people so often that I don’t have any doubt.
Yet grief has its own psychology. When we are grieving deeply, our nervous system shifts into survival mode. We might be numb, we might be terrified, we might continue to run as if we have a race to win. A race with death. We become locked into the pain of the absence. Then, after the terrified wake up to the truth of ¨this is real, she is gone´, the mind desperately searches for certainty, for proof of survival of some part of our loved one, while simultaneously fearing disappointment. This is often the moment when someone like Alec contacts me. But: in this state, the expanded awareness required for spirit communication becomes difficult to access.
So let me talk about this. While it is possible to reach the state of trance depth, it might take practice. If you never had a concept about this before, you need to learn a new skill, just as you would need to learn anything else in your human experience. And here is the next hurdle: expectations can create another barrier.
The more desperately we try to make a connection happen, the more we pull ourselves out of the receptive state where such experiences naturally occur.
This was exactly what happened during Alec’s first two sessions. Several times I guided him into the spirit realm. Several times he briefly sensed Ali’s presence. And several times the connection dissolved rapidly.
During the first session Alec whispered: “I think she’s here!”
Sophia: “What are you aware of?” I asked.
Alec: “I can feel something. It feels like her.”
Sophia: “Stay with that feeling. Trust it.”
For a moment his face softened.
Then his forehead tightened and wrinkles showed.
Alec: “I’m trying to see her.”
Sophia: “You don’t need to try. Relax into it.”
But Alec´s mind already took over: He continued: “But what if I’m imagining it?” The connection faded almost immediately.
A few moments later he shook his head.
Alec: “It’s gone.”
This pattern repeated itself throughout the first two sessions in this way or another. The moment the experience appeared, his grief and longing would rush in. He would try hard. His mind would begin questioning. Wondering. Analysing. Trying harder.
And the connection would break apart.
This is one of the great paradoxes of spirit communication. Trying harder really does not help. Because: Receiving requires surrendering.
By the time Alec returned for his third session, something had shifted. His grief was still present, but it no longer had quite the same grip on him. The few glimpses of Ali´s energy had awakened some sense of certainty. He had a dream of Ali, which felt so good and real that he was wondering if this was a message from her. Meanwhile, he started to recognize, that his mind needed to learn to let go. Alec was tired of forcing. Tired of trying to make something happen. He started to use the meditations and exercises I suggested to him. His mind started to calm down.
That surrender opened a door. We need to make a space in our mind and heart in order to accept that our loved one is showing up. And today- Alec was ready!
As he entered the spirit realm once again, I asked him what he noticed.
A little smile appeared.
Alec: “I see her. Yes, it´s my Ali. It´s her. …. It´s definitely her! It’s her energy, it is her warm and loving Self!” Alec was astonished.
Sophia: “How does she appear to you? What does she look like?”
His face changed.
“Young.” He paused. “Radiant. Healthy.” Then tears rolled down his cheeks.
“She looks younger than when she died. She’s glowing.”
Sophia: “Tell me more.”
Alec : “She’s laughing.”
His voice cracked. “She says, Dad I have been trying to show you that I am okay. And she shows me: There’s no cancer. None at all!”
For a father who had watched his daughter suffer physically so much, feeling so hopeless, this was one of the most healing moments imaginable.
Ali´s soul, her eternal energy, which he experienced in his inner image as standing before him, carried none of the illness! To the contrary, she appeared vibrant, energetic, and completely whole.
Alec is very emotional and I gave him a bit of time.
Sophia: “Is there more? Is there anything else, Ali would like to tell you?”
Alec grew quiet. Then he spoke softly.
Alec: “She’s telling me she was with me.” He paused, and for a moment I saw his conscious mind starting to come in.
Sophia: “Go deeper into your heart again. Relax. Tap into the energy. Trust…. And ask her to clarify what she means.”
A long pause followed. Alec: “She says… when I was dreaming the other day.” His expression changed. Ohhhhhhhhhh…..” He sighs.
Sophia: “What are you becoming aware of?” Tears streamed down his face.
Alec: “She’s saying that was her. I doubted it and thought it was some wishful thinking.” And then Ali kept explaining to her father, by Alec continuing to share: “Because it was so real, you were able to remember the ¨dream¨. Then you kept doubting yourself again.”
Alec paused. I took the moment to explain some more detail to him.
Sophia: “You received the message and then your mind tries to explain it away. Your Ego wants certainty. Your mind wants proof. They push for it. But communication between the worlds doesn’t work that way. And now you learn to allow and trust it. Trust the feeling. Trust the love. Trust that your connection is real.”
Alec paused and then continued: “Ali, I miss you every day.”
And Ali gave him another message: “I know, but I am not gone, Dad. I never truly left you. I am still here with you. Our relationship did not end. It never did. It only changed form.”
Alec became still. I noticed there was a lot going on within him.
After a long pause I asked: “I know sometimes words are not enough to describe things, but can you share more?”
More tears came.
Alec: “She says: listen to me. Don’t carry any guilt for what happened. You were there for me. It was enough.” Alec cried again. This was hard to take in, I know he carried guilt for not having been there more for Ali when things first were getting more difficult. In the end he really cared for her every moment, but he needed time to get to this.
Alec continued to share what he received: “I always felt loved by you, Dad. I hope you forgive yourself. Love is the connection between us… and will be …. Forever!”
This session gave Alec a lot of insight. He felt very fulfilled. Later, he wrote to me from time to time sharing that he continued to have more dreams with Ali. He now called these ‘dreams’ visitations.
Several months later, in another session, Ali showed Alec aspects of her life in the spirit world.
As it often happens during Life Between Lives work, communication shifted beyond words into feelings, into inner knowing and some images.
Sophia: “What is she showing you now?”
Alec became very still.
Alec: “She’s busy.”
His answer did not surprise me. But I ask to get more detail.
Sophia: “What do you mean?”
Alec: “She’s learning.” He smiled. “And helping. It feels to me that she is part of something bigger.”
He struggled to find language.
Alec: “She is with groups. There is learning. Some kind of studying.”
His face brightened.
Alec: “And she is so happy.”
Many people assume that death is a static state. That “people” stay the same. They don’t consider that we have a soul´s consciousness which continues its journey.
My regression work has consistently suggested this.
The soul continues. It learns. It evolves. It creates. It matures.
It participates in a much larger realm, than we can understand from our limited physical perspective.
Perhaps the most profound healing came later during that session, when Ali showed Alec several glimpses of other lifetimes they had shared together. These scenes appeared briefly, almost like glimpses into the lifetimes. In one lifetime they were family, in different roles than now. In another they were companions in a simple life.
Sophia: “What are you noticing?” I asked.
Alec smiles.
Alec: “We’ve done this before. We’ve known each other many times.”
He sat quietly with the realization. I gave him time to take it in. Past lives were a relatively new concept for him.
Alec: “It’s not just this life.”
The understanding settled into him slowly. The relationship had not begun twenty-three years earlier in this current life, when Ali was born.
Nor had it ended when she died. Their souls had been traveling together far longer.
For many, this awareness becomes one of the most healing aspects of regression work.
Of course, and very understandably our physical personality naturally mourns the loss. We miss the voice, the smile, the touch, the smell, the shared experiences and so much more.
But the soul understands something larger. Relationships are not confined to a single lifetime. The soul survives. Love survives. Love connects. Grief is difficult and complex, but the love behind the bond that makes us grieve helps us to adjust to a new form of connection. So alongside the sadness is something new. Hope. Peace. Knowing. Relief.
When Alec opened his eyes at the end of that session, something had changed. The grief had not disappeared. We should not expect this. But a deep knowing was comforting to him. Love continues, and grief is often love adjusting to a different, more spiritual form. But alongside the sadness was something new. He knew his daughter still existed! He knew she was healthy. He knew she was happy. And most importantly, he knew she was still connected to him.
The purpose of spirit regression is not to convince us that death does not hurt. It does. The purpose is to help us remember that death is not the end of a relationship. And then, when grief softens enough for us to connect, we discover that they have been walking beside us all along. ♥
Sophia Kramer is located in New Jersey, USA and sees clients there, as well as in Span & Germany, in-person, and online worldwide
For more information or to schedule a session
